Healing self-hatred & hyperindividualism
“How does a country claim to be a civilization if you just have no way, no project, to address the fact that half a million people struggle with homelessness? And that increasing numbers of people struggle with hunger? I mean, how do you go on with your own life? You know, there's something wrong with that.”
- Vijay Prashad, Director of Tricontinental: Institute for Social Research
Dear Community,
You ever listen to something that just completely blows your mind and clears up the the scuzz that’s been floating around your brain?! That makes that gnawing, discomforting feeling in your belly make sense?! That makes you feel affirmed because you knew something was not right and can finally name it?!
Well, that’s how I felt over the weekend listening to this episode of the For the Wild podcast on “Capitalism’s Erosion of Morality” with Vijay Prashad 🤯
Vijay delivered the punchy synthesis I’d been craving. It was mic drop after mic drop. In my excitement, I even re-downloaded Instagram, which I’ve been trying to delete on weekends, so that I could share the below quote on my IG story. 😩 Yep, it was that good!!!
As insightful as the podcast episode itself was, what took me by surprise was the internal journey I went on afterwards.
Specifically, how it inspired me to reflect on the ways I’ve both been harmed and caused harmed under the spell of hyperindividualism.
Hyperindividualism is an extreme form of individualism that pits the individual against the collective in the name of independence, self-reliance, and agency. I don’t think of these individual values as good or bad because that feels reductive and overly simplistic. But I do criticize the way they’ve been packaged together to create an addictive religion of sorts — one that attributes morality to those who abide by it by taking advantage of our naturally human desire to be viewed as “good”.
Growing up as the daughter of Vietnamese refugees, I heard stories of the harrowing journey my parents took to arrive in America. From dodging soldiers in the dead of night after the fall of Saigon to surviving pirate raids at sea to waiting 2 years for sponsorship at a refugee camp in Malaysia, my parents endured some seriously traumatic stuff as teenagers.
While my parents have never been the type to tell me what to do, these lived experiences gave their wishes, whenever they did share them with me, extra weight. And it gave me extra fire, extra fury, extra determination.
Like yes, of course, I’ll succeed!! Look at all you went through for me!!! I’m gonna succeed so hard that I’ll prove everyone and everything that stands in my way wrong because this success will be for US. It’ll feed every family member and ancestor who starved for me to eat…
… or so I’d hoped.
As a young Vietnamese-American woman who felt mostly invisible — then only visible for all the wrong reasons (hello, fetishization and hyper-sexualization) — hyperindividualization felt like a pathway to redemption. It was a way to dignify myself in the face of persistent indignities, to deal with those minor feelings Cathy Park Hong talks about in her book. It was something to believe in and work towards, a dissociative coping mechanism to distance myself from the pain of realizing this was a losing game, rigged from the beginning.
Now, as a slightly-less-young Vietnamese-American woman whose experiences of being burned by the system helped her see much more clearly, I can recognize how hyperindividualism negatively impacts me and my loved ones. For example:
It shows up as frustration towards my partner, stemming from the expectation that he should be as “well-read” on oppression as I am, otherwise he has nothing meaningful to contribute or teach me in our conversations about race and identity.
*I place those words in air quotes because the more I learn, the less I realize I know. Which has been such a liberating place to be!*It shows up as resentment when I struggle to ask my team for help, stemming from the way American entrepreneurship/business culture celebrates solo suffering as a rite of passage for success.
It shows up as a daily internal battle with my inner critic, stemming from the false belief that I’m only deserving of love, rest, or joy when I perform on par with the unrealistic expectations that racial capitalism has for me.
Hyperindividualism and self-hatred, fueled by internalized racism at the hands of cis-heteronormative patriarchal white supremacy, is a doozy to heal. I’m not proud of how it’s harmed the people I love. But those conflicts were pivotal.
Coming into principled struggle with hyperindividualism has helped me find the root causes within me, practice accountability, forgive myself for not knowing better, and think about what future I want to be part of. And for that, I am very proud!!
While I’m still on my journey, here’s one thing I’ve found to be true: success, under racial capitalism, doesn’t mean that I was better or smarter or even the best fit for a given opportunity. It doesn’t necessarily even mean I worked harder. There are “successful” people our culture idolizes who don’t have to work at all.
So here’s what I’ve been mulling on instaed: What does it look like to dismantle success altogether? Can we imagine a world where it doesn’t matter? What if everyone had access to what they need to live a dignified, beautiful, enriching life simply because they’re human?
With love & care,
Cassandra Lam
Give Good Care Accelerator
We’re re-designing the Give Good Care Accelerator into a program for Asian women to:
Bring their identity and activism authentically to their leadership / work
Grow their confidence
Heal in community with Asian women
❤️ Sign up for the waitlist today! ❤️
Community Events
Exploring Difficult Emotions: Next Steps
Thursday 4/29, 5-6pm PT / 8-9pm ET
Co-facilitated by Olivia Lee (Transformation Coach) & Erika So (Happiness Coach)
Join us for a visualization to befriend our difficult emotions and explore how to take the next steps. There will be space for you to reflect on your own, with a small group, and with everyone on the call. You’re also welcome to simply listen and be present, if that feels more aligned for you in the moment.
Shop Our S/S ‘21 Merch Collection
We are proud to partner with Everybody.World, which creates gender neutral basics that use 100% recycled cotton that is biodegradable, to produce this collection. Ethically and responsibly made in Los Angeles, CA.
💜 This collection, featuring 2 tees and a tote, is designed with love and care by Creative Director LINH-YEN HOANG and Designer KIM DOAN PHAM 💜
EVERY SALE SUPPORTS ASIAN WOMEN
Every sale supports our small business and all Asian woman team of 4’s ability to continue serving the Asian women community!
THIS COLLECTION IS A LIMITED RELEASE. All items are made to order and take 6-8 weeks to ship. We understand this timeframe is long! As a small business mindful of our environmental footprint, our goal is to only produce what the community needs 🌱
About Give Good Care
We imagine a world where every Asian American woman seeking culturally-relevant care can find it. Our mission is to close the mental health care gap for Asian American women in our lifetime. Learn more about our work and theory of change here.
Stay in touch by following us on Instagram or sending us an email at hello@givegoodcare.com!